Obama’s Worst Report Card

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

March 20, 2009

Every idiot blogger and turdball pundit has been grading our new President’s performance way before enough time has passed to make a truly fair assessment. Being an idiot blogger, and turdball pundit, myself, here is my unfair assessment:

The economy is job number one. Obama somehow drove our economy on a downhill slide years before he took office. Nothing the Bush administration did could slow Obama’s encouragement of the massive collection of “Toxic Assets” that our major financial institutions managed to own, and insure. Now, in the guise of a stimulus, he is giving these institutions more money, taxpayer dollars in fact, to mismanage. He must be given credit for saving the bonuses for the people running these firms. There are those that feel that the executives of the corporations that are being bailed out should be denied their millions of dollars in bonus cash just because they made a couple of little mistakes. Someone in Congress even tried to put a provision in the “bailout” bill to cancel these bonuses! But we can thank the Obama Administration, with the help of their friend, Senator Christopher Dodd, for eliminating this amendment, guaranteeing that these poor fellows will get their hard-earned wages. Obama also deserves an A+ for not giggling when talking about how “outraged” he is about these bonuses. On the down side, Obama is giving the unemployed more money, and extending the time they can collect Unemployment Insurance benefits. Any sensible person knows the best way to deal with unemployment is to let the unemployed starve to death, at which time they will no longer be unemployed. Overall, in dealing with the economy, Obama deserves a D-.

Foreign affairs are a big part of a President’s job. Of course, Obama is screwing this up. Instead of continuing a war against an enemy that posed little threat, he wants to wind that war down. And we haven’t finished the job there! Intelligence gathered during the Bush administration clearly showed that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, but Obama is going to take our troops out of there before said weapons are found! Instead, he’s going to expand the war in Afghanistan, where our actual enemies are found, where 9/11 terrorists trained and had safe harbor! Any idea what a can of worms that would be? Fighting actual enemies? Bush had way more sense than that. He went after an easy target, which was pretty much contained by international forces, and was toppled quite easily. The fact that he stirred up some actual enemies is neither here nor there; his intentions were good. As far as terrorism goes, Obama is looking at the vulnerability of our infrastructure. Bush put all of his energy into protecting airports from further hijackings. Obama seems to think that his Muslim brethren might think of a new way to attack us, and that we might be open to assaults not involving airports! How ridiculous! On top of that, he wants to “talk” to Iran! Have meetings and discussions with the leaders of the pivot point of the “Axis of Evil.” It’s almost like he wants to “Dine with his enemies.” This sounds like something Jesus Christ would say! And, as is obvious to anybody familiar with modern American Christianity, you don’t pay any attention to what Christ said! This is why the biggest objection to this move comes from the heavily Christian extreme Right. On foreign affairs, Obama gets a D-.

When it comes to Cabinet appointments, Obama screwed up again! For Secretary of State, the person responsible for dealing with foreign leaders, he chose someone intelligent, knowledgeable, charming, and experienced in dealing with foreign leaders! He should have found someone incapable of independent thought, someone that does what she is told to do, and says what she is told to say, in a voice with the same pleasant sound as a dental drill. Like Condoleeza Rice! Other Cabinet positions he tried filling with people that got caught scamming on their taxes! He has got to fill these posts with people that are smart enough to scam their taxes with out getting caught! On his Cabinet, Obama gets a D-.

On domestic issues, Obama is screwing up again! One of his first acts as President, he signed a bill continuing the misguided effort to make women equal to men! Nature didn’t even make women equal, who does he think he is to argue with Nature? And then he makes an “Executive Order” to fund stem cell research. Instead of using the hundreds of thousands of unused embryos in an attempt to find cures for horrible diseases, we should stuff those unused embryos into welfare mothers eight or nine at a time! Obama deserves some credit, though, for proposing that injured veterans should let their private insurance pay to treat their injuries. These deadbeat vets think they can travel to a foreign country, get their legs blown off by an IED, then expect the Army to pay for it? How ridiculous! All the same, on the subject of domestic issues, Obama gets a D-.

I could go on and on, then go on and on some more, about how badly Obama has performed these first two months on the job, but I can’t, and I’m sure you can’t, stomach any more. So far, Obama has gotten five or six grades of D-, which averages a big, fat F.

So I conclude this most premature and unfair of all premature and unfair assessments of President Obama’s job performance. I expect a job offer from Fox News any minute.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Bert

What’s Wrong With Moderates?

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

October 6, 2008

I look at polls and try to divine what moderate opinion is. This is not an exact science, and you are all welcome to disagree, but if you chose polls carefully, use polls that display what questions were asked and who was asked, and they appear designed to get an accurate answer, the pulse of moderation can be found.

By looking at polls that get extreme responses, I’ve determined that the extreme right and it’s sympathizers are about 31% of the voting population, and the left wing and their ilk are about 29%. In the middle are people, over a third, that could be described as moderate.

The problem is that there isn’t a moderate platform. Moderate opinion can vary widely. Not all possible positions have a gray area, so we have to chose either black or white, and we don’t always go in the same direction. Some of us lean to the right, and some lean left, without falling into the extremes.

Most, but not all, moderates are against gun control. Most, but not all, are for gay rights. Etc., etc., etc. Capital punishment? Split right down the middle. We don’t like taxes, but don’t like spending money we don’t have like we had a stolen credit card, (the current Republican strategy.) We prefer a right to abortion, but not without limits, (please see my post of July 2, 2008). How can we get exited? How could we possibly form a platform? We just can’t. All we can do is choose between ignorant, frothing at the mouth right wingers or over intellectual, bleeding-heart left wingers. Which is the least evil this week?

I am sorry to say, but we moderates are really, really lame. We don’t have the wherewithal to decide if the glass is half empty or half full. We are the most tormented, the least represented, but the largest group of voters in the country! But we have no hate. If we have any anger, it’s without direction. We have no platform to rally around. We are just a bunch of defeated wimps.

So go ahead and vote for the least evil this November. There may be a good independent candidate out there, try it. He/she may not have a chance, but if you help get him/her over 5%, he/she and his/her party will get some money and recognition.

It just plain appears that until man grows a third testicle the middle won’t have any balls. Let us hang our heads in shame for being lame-ass wimps.