Laughing with the Moon

By Jonathan Bert

The Extreme Moderate

February 25, 2010

Moon, you can laugh, you're a quarter million miles away. I have to laugh to keep from crying.

Obama, what a disappointment. We needed someone with tremendous skill and intelligence to get us out of the mess the Bush bunch got us into, and we get this character that can screw up a wet dream. This dumb-ass was elected to reform the financial system, but instead of financial reform, he's spending all of his time on health care reform and pollution control while Wall Street is still getting seven figure bonuses and the middle class is broke. You stupid shit head, get the country running on all cylinders and back to prosperity, your popularity would be incredible, then nobody, from Maxine Watters to John Boner (did I spell that wrong?) would dare to step out of line when you push your pet programs. Obummer.

Now we have the "Tea Party." I guarantee you that these clowns are not drinking tea. Anybody that thinks dingbats like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann make sense must be smoking crack with their bourbon. And they believe the "Birthers." Hawaii might seem nice, but it is still part of the United States. Remember how pissed off the U.S. got when the Japs bombed it? Duh!

The Republican Party IS the party of "No!" No compassion, no integrity, no ideas.

The Democratic Party is the party of "Moe," as in Larry, Curly and Moe. And Moe government!

I am impressed with the dignity W is displaying in his time out of office. Dick Cheney, on the other hand, is still the bastard from hell. A leopard can't change his spots.

Car Insurance must be one hell of a racket. They're damn near the only businesses that can still afford to advertise!

The rest of the ads are from lawyers suing drug companies. That is why I only do drugs that are not FDA approved!

The cops in Murderapolis were braggin' that there were only 19 murders there last year. The thugs must have felt 'dissed, the murder rate is back to normal, with seven just in January.

Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand. Hey, ding-a-ling, you're not in junior high anymore.

Raul Emanuel shouldn't call people "Retards," Democrats are supposed to be politically correct. Rush Limbaugh shouldn't call people "Retards," without retards he wouldn't have an audience!

Bailout? Hell, the best thing to happen to General motors is Toyota. Honda is having trouble, too. I guess cheap Japanese crap is still cheap Japanese crap. Buy a Buick.

A killer whale killed one of it's trainers. Maybe now some of these morons will figure how these critters got their name.

Those boneheads from Idaho, (where else?), were supposed to save orphans in Haiti, but none of the 33 kids they grabbed were actually orphans! These people were up to something shady. I don't know what they had planned for the girls, but I think they were going to sell the little boys to priests.

Moon, I can't laugh anymore, I'm going to start crying. Your laughter just makes it hurt more. I'm going to send my pennies, (all three of them!), to NASA to help buy another rocket to shove up your dark side.

Barking at the Moon

By Jonathan Bert

April 9, 2009

Moon, life has been crazy lately, a new job, another move, and maybe a new band (I’ll be playin’ Bass). But don’t worry, I’ll always have time to bark at you.

A Minneapolis police officer shot a man eight times, supposedly in self-defense. However, the gun found near the suspect didn’t have any fingerprints or DNA on it, and the weapon’s last known location was the police evidence locker. Murderapolis is getting so bad even the cops are getting into the act.

Speaking of police, how about that Dallas cop that wouldn’t let that guy see his dying mother-in-law, the poor guys wife needed comfort, but her husband couldn’t be there because he was being harassed. Any law enforcement officers that wonder why they are called pigs should watch the tape of the incident, and wonder no more.

It is unfortunate that all cops are painted with the same brush. Quite a few of them actually are human, but quite a few more of them use their badge to play hard-ass. They must have gotten too many wedgies in junior high.

President Obama’s aunt is being deported. Should Barack pull strings to prevent this? If he does, you know that the Right wing assholes will bitch like hell, but if he doesn’t, most will consider him heartless. If he’s smart, he’ll talk his aunt into moving someplace nice, like the French Riviera. Who can bitch about that?

Volcanos are blowing all over the place, devastating earthquakes are shaking things up, Antarctic ice bridges are breaking up, and North Korea learned how to shoot a rocket. I sure am worried about those stray asteroids.

Obama just spent some time wooing foreign leaders, doing everything but literally kissing butts. The guys sure seemed to like him, but didn’t give him much as far as troops for Afghanistan or economic stimulus packages. Face it dude, playing nice guy didn’t work with the Republicans, and it ain’t working with the foreigners. Next time, try waterboarding them into submission.

Iowa’s laws against gay marriage were overturned. Iowa? You would think the clamor there would be for interspecies marriage.

March Madness is over, maybe because it’s fucking April.

Defense Secretary Gates decided we should arm ourselves for wars that we are actually fighting. This new administration is already proving itself smarter that the previous one. Six years, and the Bush-Cheney brainless trust didn’t even start to figure that one out.

Moon, light my way through these uncertain times, but don’t keep me awake, I need my sleep.

A Guide to the Twin Cities of Minnesota

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

August 5, 2008

The Republican National Convention is coming to Minnesota! As a native of the area, (I was born in St. Paul, and have never lived more than an hour away), I’m going to depart from my extreme moderate ranting to give you a guide that you may find handier than the bullshit that will be handed out in brochures. St. Paul and Minneapolis are called the Twin Cities, but they are not identical twins. It’s hard to believe that they are from the same family.

Minneapolis is a small, but very metropolitan, city. It has a vibrant downtown, beautiful, tree lined residential areas, but, like any other large city, there are places you do not want to go. It is easy to find your way around, even though the downtown area is laid out at an angle. The Downtown is always this clean, and fairly safe. There is a bounty of good food and entertainment. There are lakes and parks everywhere you turn. If you like cities, this one is a gem. But watch out, don’t wander to the north. North Minneapolis and the first tier suburbs to the north are like pustules on a super-model. This is the area that earned the nickname “Murderapolis.” It is by far the most crime-ridden area in the whole state. The only legitimate reason to go to North Minneapolis is to look for crack. Other drugs are also available, including Oxycontin! Prostitutes? Well, yes, but you bozos have money, so pick those up downtown. Another thing to note: if you are not lily white, avoid Minneapolis cops, no matter what part of town you are in, or you will be sorry.

St. Paul, on the other hand, is an overgrown small town. Quaint, quiet for it’s size, loaded with beautiful old architecture, it has the refreshing, friendly atmosphere of a town one tenth it’s size. But you will get lost. St. Paul’s streets were laid out by paving crews following cows. Major thoroughfares just end without any clue which way to turn. The only roads that go all the way through town are the interstates. Walking, driving, taking the bus, allow extra time for getting lost, and, if driving, allow much more time to find parking. Is your cab driver running up the bill, or is he lost? There’s no way of telling. While you are lost, you may find yourself in neighborhoods that make your skin crawl, but there’s no particular area where you will be in grave danger. Unless you get so lost you find yourself in North Minneapolis. Also, avoid the Highway 52 bridge. This was a lemon when it was built. It’s been patched up more than a hippie’s blue jeans. I can’t believe it has stood longer than the 35W bridge. I don’t believe it will stand much longer. St. Paul is the home of the beautiful Como Park Zoo and Conservatory. Fascinating and inexpensive, it’s a don’t miss. Ask for directions.

And then there are the suburbs. Minnesota is full of cranky, independent people, and hundreds of them grabbed chunks of land around the cities and gave them names. Other than the first tier to the north, they are nice places, and very Republican. Just to the west of Minneapolis is a lake named Minnetonka. This lake is surrounded by high dollar settlements that are like a Mecca for those that worship money. When at the Xcel Center, the home of the convention, bow directly to the west. To the north of St. Paul is a community called North Oaks. This was a gated community before there were gated communities. You will never get away with going door-to-door for contributions here, though. Even Cheney would get hauled in.

There are too many suburbs here to cover in one lifetime. Bloomington has the Mall of America and the Airport. Shakopee has the Valley Fair amusement park. Apple Valley has the big Minnesota Zoo. Blaine has the huge International Sports Complex. Newport has the Waste to Energy Incinerator. It’s all here folks, and you are coming at a time the weather may be decent. Welcome to you all. Even W.