By Jonathan Bert
April 9, 2009
Moon, life has been crazy lately, a new job, another move, and maybe a new band (I’ll be playin’ Bass). But don’t worry, I’ll always have time to bark at you.
A Minneapolis police officer shot a man eight times, supposedly in self-defense. However, the gun found near the suspect didn’t have any fingerprints or DNA on it, and the weapon’s last known location was the police evidence locker. Murderapolis is getting so bad even the cops are getting into the act.
Speaking of police, how about that Dallas cop that wouldn’t let that guy see his dying mother-in-law, the poor guys wife needed comfort, but her husband couldn’t be there because he was being harassed. Any law enforcement officers that wonder why they are called pigs should watch the tape of the incident, and wonder no more.
It is unfortunate that all cops are painted with the same brush. Quite a few of them actually are human, but quite a few more of them use their badge to play hard-ass. They must have gotten too many wedgies in junior high.
President Obama’s aunt is being deported. Should Barack pull strings to prevent this? If he does, you know that the Right wing assholes will bitch like hell, but if he doesn’t, most will consider him heartless. If he’s smart, he’ll talk his aunt into moving someplace nice, like the French Riviera. Who can bitch about that?
Volcanos are blowing all over the place, devastating earthquakes are shaking things up, Antarctic ice bridges are breaking up, and North Korea learned how to shoot a rocket. I sure am worried about those stray asteroids.
Obama just spent some time wooing foreign leaders, doing everything but literally kissing butts. The guys sure seemed to like him, but didn’t give him much as far as troops for Afghanistan or economic stimulus packages. Face it dude, playing nice guy didn’t work with the Republicans, and it ain’t working with the foreigners. Next time, try waterboarding them into submission.
Iowa’s laws against gay marriage were overturned. Iowa? You would think the clamor there would be for interspecies marriage.
March Madness is over, maybe because it’s fucking April.
Defense Secretary Gates decided we should arm ourselves for wars that we are actually fighting. This new administration is already proving itself smarter that the previous one. Six years, and the Bush-Cheney brainless trust didn’t even start to figure that one out.
Moon, light my way through these uncertain times, but don’t keep me awake, I need my sleep.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Obama’s Worst Report Card
By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate
March 20, 2009
Every idiot blogger and turdball pundit has been grading our new President’s performance way before enough time has passed to make a truly fair assessment. Being an idiot blogger, and turdball pundit, myself, here is my unfair assessment:
The economy is job number one. Obama somehow drove our economy on a downhill slide years before he took office. Nothing the Bush administration did could slow Obama’s encouragement of the massive collection of “Toxic Assets” that our major financial institutions managed to own, and insure. Now, in the guise of a stimulus, he is giving these institutions more money, taxpayer dollars in fact, to mismanage. He must be given credit for saving the bonuses for the people running these firms. There are those that feel that the executives of the corporations that are being bailed out should be denied their millions of dollars in bonus cash just because they made a couple of little mistakes. Someone in Congress even tried to put a provision in the “bailout” bill to cancel these bonuses! But we can thank the Obama Administration, with the help of their friend, Senator Christopher Dodd, for eliminating this amendment, guaranteeing that these poor fellows will get their hard-earned wages. Obama also deserves an A+ for not giggling when talking about how “outraged” he is about these bonuses. On the down side, Obama is giving the unemployed more money, and extending the time they can collect Unemployment Insurance benefits. Any sensible person knows the best way to deal with unemployment is to let the unemployed starve to death, at which time they will no longer be unemployed. Overall, in dealing with the economy, Obama deserves a D-.
Foreign affairs are a big part of a President’s job. Of course, Obama is screwing this up. Instead of continuing a war against an enemy that posed little threat, he wants to wind that war down. And we haven’t finished the job there! Intelligence gathered during the Bush administration clearly showed that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, but Obama is going to take our troops out of there before said weapons are found! Instead, he’s going to expand the war in Afghanistan, where our actual enemies are found, where 9/11 terrorists trained and had safe harbor! Any idea what a can of worms that would be? Fighting actual enemies? Bush had way more sense than that. He went after an easy target, which was pretty much contained by international forces, and was toppled quite easily. The fact that he stirred up some actual enemies is neither here nor there; his intentions were good. As far as terrorism goes, Obama is looking at the vulnerability of our infrastructure. Bush put all of his energy into protecting airports from further hijackings. Obama seems to think that his Muslim brethren might think of a new way to attack us, and that we might be open to assaults not involving airports! How ridiculous! On top of that, he wants to “talk” to Iran! Have meetings and discussions with the leaders of the pivot point of the “Axis of Evil.” It’s almost like he wants to “Dine with his enemies.” This sounds like something Jesus Christ would say! And, as is obvious to anybody familiar with modern American Christianity, you don’t pay any attention to what Christ said! This is why the biggest objection to this move comes from the heavily Christian extreme Right. On foreign affairs, Obama gets a D-.
When it comes to Cabinet appointments, Obama screwed up again! For Secretary of State, the person responsible for dealing with foreign leaders, he chose someone intelligent, knowledgeable, charming, and experienced in dealing with foreign leaders! He should have found someone incapable of independent thought, someone that does what she is told to do, and says what she is told to say, in a voice with the same pleasant sound as a dental drill. Like Condoleeza Rice! Other Cabinet positions he tried filling with people that got caught scamming on their taxes! He has got to fill these posts with people that are smart enough to scam their taxes with out getting caught! On his Cabinet, Obama gets a D-.
On domestic issues, Obama is screwing up again! One of his first acts as President, he signed a bill continuing the misguided effort to make women equal to men! Nature didn’t even make women equal, who does he think he is to argue with Nature? And then he makes an “Executive Order” to fund stem cell research. Instead of using the hundreds of thousands of unused embryos in an attempt to find cures for horrible diseases, we should stuff those unused embryos into welfare mothers eight or nine at a time! Obama deserves some credit, though, for proposing that injured veterans should let their private insurance pay to treat their injuries. These deadbeat vets think they can travel to a foreign country, get their legs blown off by an IED, then expect the Army to pay for it? How ridiculous! All the same, on the subject of domestic issues, Obama gets a D-.
I could go on and on, then go on and on some more, about how badly Obama has performed these first two months on the job, but I can’t, and I’m sure you can’t, stomach any more. So far, Obama has gotten five or six grades of D-, which averages a big, fat F.
So I conclude this most premature and unfair of all premature and unfair assessments of President Obama’s job performance. I expect a job offer from Fox News any minute.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate
March 20, 2009
Every idiot blogger and turdball pundit has been grading our new President’s performance way before enough time has passed to make a truly fair assessment. Being an idiot blogger, and turdball pundit, myself, here is my unfair assessment:
The economy is job number one. Obama somehow drove our economy on a downhill slide years before he took office. Nothing the Bush administration did could slow Obama’s encouragement of the massive collection of “Toxic Assets” that our major financial institutions managed to own, and insure. Now, in the guise of a stimulus, he is giving these institutions more money, taxpayer dollars in fact, to mismanage. He must be given credit for saving the bonuses for the people running these firms. There are those that feel that the executives of the corporations that are being bailed out should be denied their millions of dollars in bonus cash just because they made a couple of little mistakes. Someone in Congress even tried to put a provision in the “bailout” bill to cancel these bonuses! But we can thank the Obama Administration, with the help of their friend, Senator Christopher Dodd, for eliminating this amendment, guaranteeing that these poor fellows will get their hard-earned wages. Obama also deserves an A+ for not giggling when talking about how “outraged” he is about these bonuses. On the down side, Obama is giving the unemployed more money, and extending the time they can collect Unemployment Insurance benefits. Any sensible person knows the best way to deal with unemployment is to let the unemployed starve to death, at which time they will no longer be unemployed. Overall, in dealing with the economy, Obama deserves a D-.
Foreign affairs are a big part of a President’s job. Of course, Obama is screwing this up. Instead of continuing a war against an enemy that posed little threat, he wants to wind that war down. And we haven’t finished the job there! Intelligence gathered during the Bush administration clearly showed that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, but Obama is going to take our troops out of there before said weapons are found! Instead, he’s going to expand the war in Afghanistan, where our actual enemies are found, where 9/11 terrorists trained and had safe harbor! Any idea what a can of worms that would be? Fighting actual enemies? Bush had way more sense than that. He went after an easy target, which was pretty much contained by international forces, and was toppled quite easily. The fact that he stirred up some actual enemies is neither here nor there; his intentions were good. As far as terrorism goes, Obama is looking at the vulnerability of our infrastructure. Bush put all of his energy into protecting airports from further hijackings. Obama seems to think that his Muslim brethren might think of a new way to attack us, and that we might be open to assaults not involving airports! How ridiculous! On top of that, he wants to “talk” to Iran! Have meetings and discussions with the leaders of the pivot point of the “Axis of Evil.” It’s almost like he wants to “Dine with his enemies.” This sounds like something Jesus Christ would say! And, as is obvious to anybody familiar with modern American Christianity, you don’t pay any attention to what Christ said! This is why the biggest objection to this move comes from the heavily Christian extreme Right. On foreign affairs, Obama gets a D-.
When it comes to Cabinet appointments, Obama screwed up again! For Secretary of State, the person responsible for dealing with foreign leaders, he chose someone intelligent, knowledgeable, charming, and experienced in dealing with foreign leaders! He should have found someone incapable of independent thought, someone that does what she is told to do, and says what she is told to say, in a voice with the same pleasant sound as a dental drill. Like Condoleeza Rice! Other Cabinet positions he tried filling with people that got caught scamming on their taxes! He has got to fill these posts with people that are smart enough to scam their taxes with out getting caught! On his Cabinet, Obama gets a D-.
On domestic issues, Obama is screwing up again! One of his first acts as President, he signed a bill continuing the misguided effort to make women equal to men! Nature didn’t even make women equal, who does he think he is to argue with Nature? And then he makes an “Executive Order” to fund stem cell research. Instead of using the hundreds of thousands of unused embryos in an attempt to find cures for horrible diseases, we should stuff those unused embryos into welfare mothers eight or nine at a time! Obama deserves some credit, though, for proposing that injured veterans should let their private insurance pay to treat their injuries. These deadbeat vets think they can travel to a foreign country, get their legs blown off by an IED, then expect the Army to pay for it? How ridiculous! All the same, on the subject of domestic issues, Obama gets a D-.
I could go on and on, then go on and on some more, about how badly Obama has performed these first two months on the job, but I can’t, and I’m sure you can’t, stomach any more. So far, Obama has gotten five or six grades of D-, which averages a big, fat F.
So I conclude this most premature and unfair of all premature and unfair assessments of President Obama’s job performance. I expect a job offer from Fox News any minute.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Bert
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Barking at the Moon
By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate
March 16, 2009
I screwed up this month. Somehow, I didn't get the scheduled publishing thing right, so this post is now 6 days late. It didn't get too stale, so I'm putting it out there now. Sorry Moon, I know you're at the last quarter, but I am only human. Gonna have to get my own Internet service sometime.
The World didn’t end in 2000, it didn’t end on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06), so now, for whatever odd reason, the magic number is 2012. In 2013 they will pick a new number. After living through scores of crackpot predictions, I’m going to make a few of my own.
After Obama’s first 100 days in office, pundits will figure out he has 1,361 days left.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going to abandon politics and become a successful Television Evangelist.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal will abandon politics to become the host of a children’s show.
The gene that causes homosexuality will be found and isolated, and fetuses will be screened for this gene. Most of those found with the gene will be aborted. The Right wing will be okay with this, as the right to life doesn’t extend to queers.
Physicists are trying to find the particle responsible for gravity. They’ve even named it, “Graviton.” This particle is responsible for the mass of everything from feathers to lead bricks, and they can’t find it. Some day one of these guys is going to see the forest through the trees and figure out that gravity isn’t a particle, it is probably a dimension. It will be called the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!” dimension.
After the economy totally tanks, and everybody is starving, young girls will abandon the “Crank Whore” look, because everyone will look that way. They will gobble down potatoes and lard to achieve the “Rosie O’Donnell” look.
Obama’s honeymoon is going to crash and his relationship with the populace will need major repair. He is reaching too far, too fast. He’s even promising a cure for Cancer! (A statement like that forgets that Cancer is not one disease, but a group of related diseases, one cure for all is unlikely, it will need several cures. Plural.) Eventually, it will be realized he is not a miracle worker. He will be a better President than W., but not a lot better; his inexperience is already showing. The only thing that is going to save his ass in 2012 is Republicans are failing to offer anything new, just more of the same crap that screwed up the country the past eight years.
Bernie Madoff will be convicted of ripping off investors of billions of dollars in a “Ponzi Scheme.” The judge will throw the book at him and sentence Nadoff to two years confinement in the Playboy Mansion.
A great Republican lie is that taxing incomes over $250,000 will discourage small business from hiring. Companies will look for deductions to keep their take home pay under that mark. Payroll and related expenses are deductible! Hiring people can slide them into a lower tax bracket! The only people that will get hurt are those that can’t “Get By” on $249,000.
HLN’s Nancy Grace will marry a great guy and find true happiness, thus ruining her career.
George W. Bush will follow in the footsteps of Jimmy Carter, John Quincy Adams, and others, by doing more good for planet Earth after his Presidency than during it. (Especially if he continues his efforts to improve the health situation in Africa.) If he just stops doing mass quantities of damage it would be a start.
Some day, a man will land on Mars. After he climbs down the ladder, the astronaut will say “One small step for a man, one giant heap of money blown.”
The Catholic Church, in an attempt to stop centuries of immoral behavior, will allow priests to marry altar boys.
Rush Limbaugh will receive medicine’s first reverse lobotomy, thus ruining his career.
Many fear Obama might fail. Morons like Limbaugh want him to fail. Limbaugh’s popularity will not drop; people that are stupid enough to listen to him now are too stupid to wise up, ever.
Obama and Nancy Pelosi will start butting heads. This will help save America! Power will shift to a coalition of moderates from both parties. However, this will require that not only Pelosi, but Harry Reid and John Boner (Did I spell that wrong?), et al, be made irrelevant. Please!
I see signs that the old John McCain is returning. He will be more instrumental in saving the country than he would have had he won last November. He doesn’t have to kiss-butt anymore, his seat in Arizona is pretty safe. He will be key to forming the above-mentioned coalition.
As the economy tanks, bank robberies will go up. The problem will be finding a bank that is still open.
The mother of octuplets is going to make a fortune off of books, movies and even a reality show. This will prompt other welfare moms to have nine.
A gang of fanatics will corner Dick Cheney and drive a wooden stake through his heart. Cheney will just laugh; he isn’t a vampire, he is more evil than that.
The Minnesota Senate race between Republican Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken will be settled before the 2014 elections. (Going out on a limb with that one.)
Republicans will figure out that anyone with half a brain isn’t going to buy their newfound respect for fiscal responsibility. After Reagan started mortgaging our future to give the rich money to “Trickle Down” and Bush Sr. followed suit even though he called it “Voodoo Economics,” there was a pause in deficit spending called “The Clinton Administration.” But then W. made up for lost time by setting deficit records almost every year he was in office. The Republican rebranding effort will involve selling the idea that deficit spending is a good thing, and that they are the masters.
Eventually the crybabies will get all of the airports closed down. The United States will build one huge airport in the middle of North Dakota where it won’t bother anyone. People will ride high-speed rail to and from other parts of the country, giving the crybabies something new to cry about.
Sarah Palin will run in the Republican Presidential primaries in 2012. She will, however, lose the nomination to Joe the Plumber.
The American economy will eventually recover. It will be debated whether the Democrat’s stimulus plan helped. All will agree that we’ll have one hell of a bill to pay.
The guy that correctly predicts the day the World ends won’t be around to gloat about it.
The Democrats will manage to outlaw guns. After violent crime against a defenseless populace skyrockets, they will be desperate for an excuse, and blame it on the full Moon.
The Extreme Moderate
March 16, 2009
I screwed up this month. Somehow, I didn't get the scheduled publishing thing right, so this post is now 6 days late. It didn't get too stale, so I'm putting it out there now. Sorry Moon, I know you're at the last quarter, but I am only human. Gonna have to get my own Internet service sometime.
The World didn’t end in 2000, it didn’t end on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06), so now, for whatever odd reason, the magic number is 2012. In 2013 they will pick a new number. After living through scores of crackpot predictions, I’m going to make a few of my own.
After Obama’s first 100 days in office, pundits will figure out he has 1,361 days left.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going to abandon politics and become a successful Television Evangelist.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal will abandon politics to become the host of a children’s show.
The gene that causes homosexuality will be found and isolated, and fetuses will be screened for this gene. Most of those found with the gene will be aborted. The Right wing will be okay with this, as the right to life doesn’t extend to queers.
Physicists are trying to find the particle responsible for gravity. They’ve even named it, “Graviton.” This particle is responsible for the mass of everything from feathers to lead bricks, and they can’t find it. Some day one of these guys is going to see the forest through the trees and figure out that gravity isn’t a particle, it is probably a dimension. It will be called the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!” dimension.
After the economy totally tanks, and everybody is starving, young girls will abandon the “Crank Whore” look, because everyone will look that way. They will gobble down potatoes and lard to achieve the “Rosie O’Donnell” look.
Obama’s honeymoon is going to crash and his relationship with the populace will need major repair. He is reaching too far, too fast. He’s even promising a cure for Cancer! (A statement like that forgets that Cancer is not one disease, but a group of related diseases, one cure for all is unlikely, it will need several cures. Plural.) Eventually, it will be realized he is not a miracle worker. He will be a better President than W., but not a lot better; his inexperience is already showing. The only thing that is going to save his ass in 2012 is Republicans are failing to offer anything new, just more of the same crap that screwed up the country the past eight years.
Bernie Madoff will be convicted of ripping off investors of billions of dollars in a “Ponzi Scheme.” The judge will throw the book at him and sentence Nadoff to two years confinement in the Playboy Mansion.
A great Republican lie is that taxing incomes over $250,000 will discourage small business from hiring. Companies will look for deductions to keep their take home pay under that mark. Payroll and related expenses are deductible! Hiring people can slide them into a lower tax bracket! The only people that will get hurt are those that can’t “Get By” on $249,000.
HLN’s Nancy Grace will marry a great guy and find true happiness, thus ruining her career.
George W. Bush will follow in the footsteps of Jimmy Carter, John Quincy Adams, and others, by doing more good for planet Earth after his Presidency than during it. (Especially if he continues his efforts to improve the health situation in Africa.) If he just stops doing mass quantities of damage it would be a start.
Some day, a man will land on Mars. After he climbs down the ladder, the astronaut will say “One small step for a man, one giant heap of money blown.”
The Catholic Church, in an attempt to stop centuries of immoral behavior, will allow priests to marry altar boys.
Rush Limbaugh will receive medicine’s first reverse lobotomy, thus ruining his career.
Many fear Obama might fail. Morons like Limbaugh want him to fail. Limbaugh’s popularity will not drop; people that are stupid enough to listen to him now are too stupid to wise up, ever.
Obama and Nancy Pelosi will start butting heads. This will help save America! Power will shift to a coalition of moderates from both parties. However, this will require that not only Pelosi, but Harry Reid and John Boner (Did I spell that wrong?), et al, be made irrelevant. Please!
I see signs that the old John McCain is returning. He will be more instrumental in saving the country than he would have had he won last November. He doesn’t have to kiss-butt anymore, his seat in Arizona is pretty safe. He will be key to forming the above-mentioned coalition.
As the economy tanks, bank robberies will go up. The problem will be finding a bank that is still open.
The mother of octuplets is going to make a fortune off of books, movies and even a reality show. This will prompt other welfare moms to have nine.
A gang of fanatics will corner Dick Cheney and drive a wooden stake through his heart. Cheney will just laugh; he isn’t a vampire, he is more evil than that.
The Minnesota Senate race between Republican Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken will be settled before the 2014 elections. (Going out on a limb with that one.)
Republicans will figure out that anyone with half a brain isn’t going to buy their newfound respect for fiscal responsibility. After Reagan started mortgaging our future to give the rich money to “Trickle Down” and Bush Sr. followed suit even though he called it “Voodoo Economics,” there was a pause in deficit spending called “The Clinton Administration.” But then W. made up for lost time by setting deficit records almost every year he was in office. The Republican rebranding effort will involve selling the idea that deficit spending is a good thing, and that they are the masters.
Eventually the crybabies will get all of the airports closed down. The United States will build one huge airport in the middle of North Dakota where it won’t bother anyone. People will ride high-speed rail to and from other parts of the country, giving the crybabies something new to cry about.
Sarah Palin will run in the Republican Presidential primaries in 2012. She will, however, lose the nomination to Joe the Plumber.
The American economy will eventually recover. It will be debated whether the Democrat’s stimulus plan helped. All will agree that we’ll have one hell of a bill to pay.
The guy that correctly predicts the day the World ends won’t be around to gloat about it.
The Democrats will manage to outlaw guns. After violent crime against a defenseless populace skyrockets, they will be desperate for an excuse, and blame it on the full Moon.
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