Friday, March 20, 2009

Obama’s Worst Report Card

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

March 20, 2009

Every idiot blogger and turdball pundit has been grading our new President’s performance way before enough time has passed to make a truly fair assessment. Being an idiot blogger, and turdball pundit, myself, here is my unfair assessment:

The economy is job number one. Obama somehow drove our economy on a downhill slide years before he took office. Nothing the Bush administration did could slow Obama’s encouragement of the massive collection of “Toxic Assets” that our major financial institutions managed to own, and insure. Now, in the guise of a stimulus, he is giving these institutions more money, taxpayer dollars in fact, to mismanage. He must be given credit for saving the bonuses for the people running these firms. There are those that feel that the executives of the corporations that are being bailed out should be denied their millions of dollars in bonus cash just because they made a couple of little mistakes. Someone in Congress even tried to put a provision in the “bailout” bill to cancel these bonuses! But we can thank the Obama Administration, with the help of their friend, Senator Christopher Dodd, for eliminating this amendment, guaranteeing that these poor fellows will get their hard-earned wages. Obama also deserves an A+ for not giggling when talking about how “outraged” he is about these bonuses. On the down side, Obama is giving the unemployed more money, and extending the time they can collect Unemployment Insurance benefits. Any sensible person knows the best way to deal with unemployment is to let the unemployed starve to death, at which time they will no longer be unemployed. Overall, in dealing with the economy, Obama deserves a D-.

Foreign affairs are a big part of a President’s job. Of course, Obama is screwing this up. Instead of continuing a war against an enemy that posed little threat, he wants to wind that war down. And we haven’t finished the job there! Intelligence gathered during the Bush administration clearly showed that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, but Obama is going to take our troops out of there before said weapons are found! Instead, he’s going to expand the war in Afghanistan, where our actual enemies are found, where 9/11 terrorists trained and had safe harbor! Any idea what a can of worms that would be? Fighting actual enemies? Bush had way more sense than that. He went after an easy target, which was pretty much contained by international forces, and was toppled quite easily. The fact that he stirred up some actual enemies is neither here nor there; his intentions were good. As far as terrorism goes, Obama is looking at the vulnerability of our infrastructure. Bush put all of his energy into protecting airports from further hijackings. Obama seems to think that his Muslim brethren might think of a new way to attack us, and that we might be open to assaults not involving airports! How ridiculous! On top of that, he wants to “talk” to Iran! Have meetings and discussions with the leaders of the pivot point of the “Axis of Evil.” It’s almost like he wants to “Dine with his enemies.” This sounds like something Jesus Christ would say! And, as is obvious to anybody familiar with modern American Christianity, you don’t pay any attention to what Christ said! This is why the biggest objection to this move comes from the heavily Christian extreme Right. On foreign affairs, Obama gets a D-.

When it comes to Cabinet appointments, Obama screwed up again! For Secretary of State, the person responsible for dealing with foreign leaders, he chose someone intelligent, knowledgeable, charming, and experienced in dealing with foreign leaders! He should have found someone incapable of independent thought, someone that does what she is told to do, and says what she is told to say, in a voice with the same pleasant sound as a dental drill. Like Condoleeza Rice! Other Cabinet positions he tried filling with people that got caught scamming on their taxes! He has got to fill these posts with people that are smart enough to scam their taxes with out getting caught! On his Cabinet, Obama gets a D-.

On domestic issues, Obama is screwing up again! One of his first acts as President, he signed a bill continuing the misguided effort to make women equal to men! Nature didn’t even make women equal, who does he think he is to argue with Nature? And then he makes an “Executive Order” to fund stem cell research. Instead of using the hundreds of thousands of unused embryos in an attempt to find cures for horrible diseases, we should stuff those unused embryos into welfare mothers eight or nine at a time! Obama deserves some credit, though, for proposing that injured veterans should let their private insurance pay to treat their injuries. These deadbeat vets think they can travel to a foreign country, get their legs blown off by an IED, then expect the Army to pay for it? How ridiculous! All the same, on the subject of domestic issues, Obama gets a D-.

I could go on and on, then go on and on some more, about how badly Obama has performed these first two months on the job, but I can’t, and I’m sure you can’t, stomach any more. So far, Obama has gotten five or six grades of D-, which averages a big, fat F.

So I conclude this most premature and unfair of all premature and unfair assessments of President Obama’s job performance. I expect a job offer from Fox News any minute.

Thank you.


Jonathan Bert

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Barking at the Moon

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

March 16, 2009

I screwed up this month. Somehow, I didn't get the scheduled publishing thing right, so this post is now 6 days late. It didn't get too stale, so I'm putting it out there now. Sorry Moon, I know you're at the last quarter, but I am only human. Gonna have to get my own Internet service sometime.

The World didn’t end in 2000, it didn’t end on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06), so now, for whatever odd reason, the magic number is 2012. In 2013 they will pick a new number. After living through scores of crackpot predictions, I’m going to make a few of my own.

After Obama’s first 100 days in office, pundits will figure out he has 1,361 days left.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going to abandon politics and become a successful Television Evangelist.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal will abandon politics to become the host of a children’s show.

The gene that causes homosexuality will be found and isolated, and fetuses will be screened for this gene. Most of those found with the gene will be aborted. The Right wing will be okay with this, as the right to life doesn’t extend to queers.

Physicists are trying to find the particle responsible for gravity. They’ve even named it, “Graviton.” This particle is responsible for the mass of everything from feathers to lead bricks, and they can’t find it. Some day one of these guys is going to see the forest through the trees and figure out that gravity isn’t a particle, it is probably a dimension. It will be called the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!” dimension.

After the economy totally tanks, and everybody is starving, young girls will abandon the “Crank Whore” look, because everyone will look that way. They will gobble down potatoes and lard to achieve the “Rosie O’Donnell” look.

Obama’s honeymoon is going to crash and his relationship with the populace will need major repair. He is reaching too far, too fast. He’s even promising a cure for Cancer! (A statement like that forgets that Cancer is not one disease, but a group of related diseases, one cure for all is unlikely, it will need several cures. Plural.) Eventually, it will be realized he is not a miracle worker. He will be a better President than W., but not a lot better; his inexperience is already showing. The only thing that is going to save his ass in 2012 is Republicans are failing to offer anything new, just more of the same crap that screwed up the country the past eight years.

Bernie Madoff will be convicted of ripping off investors of billions of dollars in a “Ponzi Scheme.” The judge will throw the book at him and sentence Nadoff to two years confinement in the Playboy Mansion.

A great Republican lie is that taxing incomes over $250,000 will discourage small business from hiring. Companies will look for deductions to keep their take home pay under that mark. Payroll and related expenses are deductible! Hiring people can slide them into a lower tax bracket! The only people that will get hurt are those that can’t “Get By” on $249,000.

HLN’s Nancy Grace will marry a great guy and find true happiness, thus ruining her career.

George W. Bush will follow in the footsteps of Jimmy Carter, John Quincy Adams, and others, by doing more good for planet Earth after his Presidency than during it. (Especially if he continues his efforts to improve the health situation in Africa.) If he just stops doing mass quantities of damage it would be a start.

Some day, a man will land on Mars. After he climbs down the ladder, the astronaut will say “One small step for a man, one giant heap of money blown.”

The Catholic Church, in an attempt to stop centuries of immoral behavior, will allow priests to marry altar boys.

Rush Limbaugh will receive medicine’s first reverse lobotomy, thus ruining his career.

Many fear Obama might fail. Morons like Limbaugh want him to fail. Limbaugh’s popularity will not drop; people that are stupid enough to listen to him now are too stupid to wise up, ever.

Obama and Nancy Pelosi will start butting heads. This will help save America! Power will shift to a coalition of moderates from both parties. However, this will require that not only Pelosi, but Harry Reid and John Boner (Did I spell that wrong?), et al, be made irrelevant. Please!

I see signs that the old John McCain is returning. He will be more instrumental in saving the country than he would have had he won last November. He doesn’t have to kiss-butt anymore, his seat in Arizona is pretty safe. He will be key to forming the above-mentioned coalition.

As the economy tanks, bank robberies will go up. The problem will be finding a bank that is still open.

The mother of octuplets is going to make a fortune off of books, movies and even a reality show. This will prompt other welfare moms to have nine.

A gang of fanatics will corner Dick Cheney and drive a wooden stake through his heart. Cheney will just laugh; he isn’t a vampire, he is more evil than that.

The Minnesota Senate race between Republican Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken will be settled before the 2014 elections. (Going out on a limb with that one.)

Republicans will figure out that anyone with half a brain isn’t going to buy their newfound respect for fiscal responsibility. After Reagan started mortgaging our future to give the rich money to “Trickle Down” and Bush Sr. followed suit even though he called it “Voodoo Economics,” there was a pause in deficit spending called “The Clinton Administration.” But then W. made up for lost time by setting deficit records almost every year he was in office. The Republican rebranding effort will involve selling the idea that deficit spending is a good thing, and that they are the masters.

Eventually the crybabies will get all of the airports closed down. The United States will build one huge airport in the middle of North Dakota where it won’t bother anyone. People will ride high-speed rail to and from other parts of the country, giving the crybabies something new to cry about.

Sarah Palin will run in the Republican Presidential primaries in 2012. She will, however, lose the nomination to Joe the Plumber.

The American economy will eventually recover. It will be debated whether the Democrat’s stimulus plan helped. All will agree that we’ll have one hell of a bill to pay.

The guy that correctly predicts the day the World ends won’t be around to gloat about it.

The Democrats will manage to outlaw guns. After violent crime against a defenseless populace skyrockets, they will be desperate for an excuse, and blame it on the full Moon.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Grand Old Party is Over

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

March 5, 2009

The Republican Party is in shambles, only the most delusional right wingers disagree. The worst part is that the party leadership thinks the solution is to go backwards, when they are already backwards enough. They all must be stealing Rush Limbaugh’s Oxycontins!

By my very subjective observation, there are more moderate Republicans than there are moderate Democrats, but the GOP in general persecutes their moderates mercilessly. John McCain got the nomination last fall, but only after standing there testifying how Republican he was, which instantly got him labeled as Bush III. The GOP has got to realize that their ideas have totally lost respect, but they want to continue with the same old ideas, only more so.

Take me to your leader. Who the hell is it? A fellow named Michael Steele was formally chosen as the leader, but a right wing radio “Shock Jock” is the real guy! Steele and Limbaugh butted heads, and it was Steele that blinked. What hope does the party have when the leader is a fat, pill-popping loudmouth? You can walk into any honky-tonk and find dozens of drunks that talk the same way, would you pray to them for guidance?

The first thing the party has to come to grips with is that, with all respects for the dead, Reagan sucked! He was a big disaster for this country. He came up with the “Trickle Down” economic theory, which is haunting us to this day. He ended fiscal responsibility in the Republican Party. He brought the “Moral Majority” into politics, even though, when you consider their disregard for the poor, they aren’t very moral, and by the numbers, aren’t anywhere near a majority. They are, however, very loud and annoying. And sexually obsessed, loaded with self-loathing gays and other perverts. Republican “values” have been found to be bankrupt. On top of that, he spent billions on a land based missile system that was obsolete before it left the drawing board. Then, when you think about the Iran-Contra deal, Reagan and his cronies probably should have been put behind bars.

Reagan’s big talent was using splendid oratory to lead the gullible down a primrose path while doing ungodly things to our country. Sound like Obama? Yes it does! The differences are a different primrose path, (there must be several of them), and I think Obama writes some of his own material. We have give the guy some time before we can assess Obama fairly, but Reagan, we know what he did. His damage was primarily ruining our economy and fouling up our foreign affairs. He is given credit for tearing down the Berlin Wall, but the Soviet Union self-destructed. Gotta give Ronny kudos for good timing, though.

If the GOP wants to go back, go back to the nineteen-fifties, to the last great Republican President. I like Ike. Eisenhower doesn’t get nearly the respect he deserves. The Democrats at the time tried painting Ike as unintelligent, mainly because they were putting an “Egghead” up against him. We’ve had eggheads before, and since, but none of them was very impressive.

Eisenhower was excellent. He was fiscally responsible, but smart! He spent billions on a system of “Interstate and Defense Highways” (we now call them Interstates), which were designed to evacuate cities quickly and to mobilize the National Guard, but had the plus of reducing air pollution and improving intestate commerce. Sound, sensible infrastructure spending. If Ike wasn’t brilliant, I don’t know who is. He wasn’t big on social issues, but back then nobody was. Even the Democrats didn’t care much about social issues until the sixties, (remember the “Dixiecrats?”). His foreign policy? “Don’t Mess With Us!” plain and simple, and he was strong and smart about it, not trying to find ways of funneling money to his buddies. And he did this with an opposing Congress! He warned us about the “Military-Industrial Complex,” but now the GOP is in the pocket of said complex!

The Republicans have to go back to being Republicans. Maybe they need another general. Can you imagine Tommy Franks apologizing to Rush Limbaugh? David Petraeus would send a mortar shell up Rush’s ass if Limbaugh messed with him. The GOP needs a real leader, not comic relief. Let us hope for the best.

I believe in the two party system, but right now we don’t have one. Either a new party emerges, or the GOP has to resurrect itself. Get back to actually practicing fiscal responsibility. Dump your phony “Family Values” crap and clean the perverts out of your system. Care about children after they are born. Fix yourself or we may be at the mercy of the extreme left for a long time.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Wah! (The Cry of the Dingbat)

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

March 2, 2009

The Governor of Alaska, and former vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin is crying because the “Liberal Media” picked on her during last fall’s campaign. I am not liberal, but I picked on her then, and now I’m going to pick on her some more!

First thing to address is her claim that there is a lot of liberal media out there. Looking at the media, most are pretty fair and balanced, except those that claim to be fair and balanced, which are fronts for the right. Some print media leans to the Left, like the New Yorker, but as the New Yorker portrayed the Obamas as terrorists on one of their covers, even they can’t be said to be in the pockets of the left. Very little print media is right wing, unless they are willing to print a lot of pictures. The bumpkins of the extreme right aren’t heavy into reading. Talk radio is very right wing, fronted by Rush Limbaugh followed by hundreds of Limbaugh wannabes. Again, bumpkins don’t read. Television coverage does seem relatively balanced; but of course, we can’t forget Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News, which is the bullhorn of the Right.

I agree, the media did kind of fall in love with Obama. In a land hungry for change, Obama clearly represented change. And being relatively unknown, heavy media coverage helped us to understand this complicated man, this man that wanted to run this country.

The problem is Sarah Palin is a Dingbat. She is not complicated at all. She always has been a dingbat, and she always will be a dingbat. She is proud of being a “Hockey Mom,” but if you ever met a hockey mom, you would not be impressed with their rational train of thought. She is a pit bull with lipstick, she hunts wolves from helicopters and calls it “Sport.” She thinks she can understand Russia because she can see it from her front porch. Her views on social issues are from the 19th century. Dingbat!

When Obama and McCain had their nominations sewed up, I still hadn’t made up my mind. I wanted to see who they picked for V-P. I’d liked McCain for a long time, he’d been the voice of moderation for decades, but I wasn’t impressed with the butt kissing he had done to get the nomination. I was hoping he would go back to being a voice of reason once he was free to do so. Obama was a scary choice. Inexperienced, and nobody knew a lot about him. He had held a statewide office for two years, and here he was, claiming to be ready to take the reins of the planet’s most powerful country. I needed to know more.

Obama picked Joe Biden, a solid choice. Biden is not any sort of moderate, but he is of sound mind, with vast knowledge of all of the issues facing this country, especially foreign affairs. This was important to me. One of my favorite quotations came from a “Dirty Harry” movie, “A good man knows his limitations.” Obama’s big limitation is foreign affairs, and he addressed this with his choice of Biden. His first decision as a candidate was excellent. (The choice of Biden, coupled with the choice of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, makes the Obama administration rock solid in an area that Obama, personally, is weak. A good man, indeed, knows his limitations.) I am impressed.

McCain, on the other hand, disappointed me beyond any possible expectation. He chose Palin. A Governor for two years, this really tied Republican hands to paint Obama as inexperienced. A person with total disdain for rational thought, she proposed that dinosaurs roamed the Earth as recently as 5,000 years ago. If she was referring to her fellow Republicans, she would have had a point, but she wasn’t. She was referring to actual dinosaurs! McCain chose this backward bumpkin solely for her appeal to the backward bumpkins that got us in the mess we’re in in the first place! Her only accomplishment that she could point to proudly was killing the “Bridge to Nowhere,” showing that she does have more fiscal restraint than any Republican has had for 30 years. But generally, McCain’s choice was a disaster. He obviously was driven by his ambition, not his concern for the country. Why didn’t he just pick Paris Hilton?

Sorry John, but you lost because you abandoned those that loved you, moderates and independents. You tried to paint yourself as a maverick during the campaign, but your choice of Palin painted you as a butt-kisser. You probably could have been a good President, but you’re in a demographic that is capable of dropping dead, and the thought of President Palin made my sphincter pucker. More so, even, than the thought of a Democratic monopoly in Washington. (Where’s the antacid?)

So Sarah, get real. Any media source that says you are not a dingbat is biased toward bumpkins. Only the most stupid, backward and ignorant people on this the face of this Earth could look anybody straight in the eye and claim that you are capable of running the local PTA, much less a superpower. I wanted John McCain, the real John McCain, to win. But the real John McCain doesn’t exist anymore; he’s sold out to the extreme right. Sarah Palin is living proof.