Saturday, August 16, 2008

Barking at the Moon

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

August 16,2008

The Moon is full, and I just want to howl.

It is hard to fathom the importance of the Olympics to international diplomacy, but other than the Basketball, I really couldn’t care less.

I kind of like watching Women’s Volleyball, but the participants need larger breasts.

China wants to join the rest of the World. I have one word of advice: Democracy!

The Republicans want to regain power in this country. I have one word of advice: Democracy!

The GOP does have the best solution to the illegal immigration problem, however; make America suck so badly nobody wants to come here! It won’t be long and we’ll be breaking down the fences to sneak into Mexico.

The Republicans have this country going in the wrong direction. The Democrats would also send us in the wrong direction, but at least it would be a different wrong direction.

The Republicans appeal to the ignorant and superstitious hillbillies of the “Bible Belt.” The Democrats appeal to the undereducated of the inner cities. Anyone with half of a brain can only appeal for mercy.

Russian Prime Minister Putin sent an enormous army into a small and defenseless country. What nerve! Who does he think he is? George Bush?

Rush Limbaugh just got a huge raise. The Right Wing is desperate to keep the stupid in line, and Limbaugh has the same power over morons as the Pied Piper had on rats.

I have two cats. There are days that I’d rather have mice.

I see a lot of women driving big trucks and SUV’s around. These ladies suffer from low self-esteem; they think they need that power to haul their asses around.

Barrack Obama says the best way to reduce our dependence on foreign oil is to reduce our dependence on oil. Duh! Republicans find this concept too complicated to grasp, and find this to be a reason to criticize Obama! Of course the Right Wing morons are foaming at the mouth, chanting “Drill, Drill, Drill, so we can use more Gas, Gas, Gas!”

All of the oil we’ve sucked out of the ground was holding up the bedrock above it. I’m waiting for the Saudi Arabian Desert to cave in and become the Saudi Arabian Sea. That would get rid of some terrorists!

Texas, same story. Texas can brag that it’s America’s biggest lake.

Before W invaded Afghanistan, Afghans produced 75% of the Worlds Heroin. Now they produce only 83%! Good going George! Republicans have the overwhelming support of the World’s crime leaders. The GOP makes sure drugs stay illegal to make sure criminals have a steady income. Ordinary, hard working citizens? Screw them.

While the War in Iraq is doing nothing for American security, it is making Israel safer, and freer to pursue aggression against it’s enemies in the Mid-east. This never gets pointed out, however, because the Democrats don’t want say anything good about the war, and the Republicans don’t want to point that out because the Neo-nazis are a small but important part of the Republican base.

During their recent stretch of power, Republicans managed to really piss me off. If the Democrats manage to not blow their chance at getting control, it won’t take long for them to piss me off. Keep your eyes open for future posts.

Good night, sleep well. Werewolves aren’t for real. However, Bush and Cheney are for real, so stare at the ceiling.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Guide to the Twin Cities of Minnesota

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

August 5, 2008

The Republican National Convention is coming to Minnesota! As a native of the area, (I was born in St. Paul, and have never lived more than an hour away), I’m going to depart from my extreme moderate ranting to give you a guide that you may find handier than the bullshit that will be handed out in brochures. St. Paul and Minneapolis are called the Twin Cities, but they are not identical twins. It’s hard to believe that they are from the same family.

Minneapolis is a small, but very metropolitan, city. It has a vibrant downtown, beautiful, tree lined residential areas, but, like any other large city, there are places you do not want to go. It is easy to find your way around, even though the downtown area is laid out at an angle. The Downtown is always this clean, and fairly safe. There is a bounty of good food and entertainment. There are lakes and parks everywhere you turn. If you like cities, this one is a gem. But watch out, don’t wander to the north. North Minneapolis and the first tier suburbs to the north are like pustules on a super-model. This is the area that earned the nickname “Murderapolis.” It is by far the most crime-ridden area in the whole state. The only legitimate reason to go to North Minneapolis is to look for crack. Other drugs are also available, including Oxycontin! Prostitutes? Well, yes, but you bozos have money, so pick those up downtown. Another thing to note: if you are not lily white, avoid Minneapolis cops, no matter what part of town you are in, or you will be sorry.

St. Paul, on the other hand, is an overgrown small town. Quaint, quiet for it’s size, loaded with beautiful old architecture, it has the refreshing, friendly atmosphere of a town one tenth it’s size. But you will get lost. St. Paul’s streets were laid out by paving crews following cows. Major thoroughfares just end without any clue which way to turn. The only roads that go all the way through town are the interstates. Walking, driving, taking the bus, allow extra time for getting lost, and, if driving, allow much more time to find parking. Is your cab driver running up the bill, or is he lost? There’s no way of telling. While you are lost, you may find yourself in neighborhoods that make your skin crawl, but there’s no particular area where you will be in grave danger. Unless you get so lost you find yourself in North Minneapolis. Also, avoid the Highway 52 bridge. This was a lemon when it was built. It’s been patched up more than a hippie’s blue jeans. I can’t believe it has stood longer than the 35W bridge. I don’t believe it will stand much longer. St. Paul is the home of the beautiful Como Park Zoo and Conservatory. Fascinating and inexpensive, it’s a don’t miss. Ask for directions.

And then there are the suburbs. Minnesota is full of cranky, independent people, and hundreds of them grabbed chunks of land around the cities and gave them names. Other than the first tier to the north, they are nice places, and very Republican. Just to the west of Minneapolis is a lake named Minnetonka. This lake is surrounded by high dollar settlements that are like a Mecca for those that worship money. When at the Xcel Center, the home of the convention, bow directly to the west. To the north of St. Paul is a community called North Oaks. This was a gated community before there were gated communities. You will never get away with going door-to-door for contributions here, though. Even Cheney would get hauled in.

There are too many suburbs here to cover in one lifetime. Bloomington has the Mall of America and the Airport. Shakopee has the Valley Fair amusement park. Apple Valley has the big Minnesota Zoo. Blaine has the huge International Sports Complex. Newport has the Waste to Energy Incinerator. It’s all here folks, and you are coming at a time the weather may be decent. Welcome to you all. Even W.