A Guide to the Twin Cities of Minnesota

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

August 5, 2008

The Republican National Convention is coming to Minnesota! As a native of the area, (I was born in St. Paul, and have never lived more than an hour away), I’m going to depart from my extreme moderate ranting to give you a guide that you may find handier than the bullshit that will be handed out in brochures. St. Paul and Minneapolis are called the Twin Cities, but they are not identical twins. It’s hard to believe that they are from the same family.

Minneapolis is a small, but very metropolitan, city. It has a vibrant downtown, beautiful, tree lined residential areas, but, like any other large city, there are places you do not want to go. It is easy to find your way around, even though the downtown area is laid out at an angle. The Downtown is always this clean, and fairly safe. There is a bounty of good food and entertainment. There are lakes and parks everywhere you turn. If you like cities, this one is a gem. But watch out, don’t wander to the north. North Minneapolis and the first tier suburbs to the north are like pustules on a super-model. This is the area that earned the nickname “Murderapolis.” It is by far the most crime-ridden area in the whole state. The only legitimate reason to go to North Minneapolis is to look for crack. Other drugs are also available, including Oxycontin! Prostitutes? Well, yes, but you bozos have money, so pick those up downtown. Another thing to note: if you are not lily white, avoid Minneapolis cops, no matter what part of town you are in, or you will be sorry.

St. Paul, on the other hand, is an overgrown small town. Quaint, quiet for it’s size, loaded with beautiful old architecture, it has the refreshing, friendly atmosphere of a town one tenth it’s size. But you will get lost. St. Paul’s streets were laid out by paving crews following cows. Major thoroughfares just end without any clue which way to turn. The only roads that go all the way through town are the interstates. Walking, driving, taking the bus, allow extra time for getting lost, and, if driving, allow much more time to find parking. Is your cab driver running up the bill, or is he lost? There’s no way of telling. While you are lost, you may find yourself in neighborhoods that make your skin crawl, but there’s no particular area where you will be in grave danger. Unless you get so lost you find yourself in North Minneapolis. Also, avoid the Highway 52 bridge. This was a lemon when it was built. It’s been patched up more than a hippie’s blue jeans. I can’t believe it has stood longer than the 35W bridge. I don’t believe it will stand much longer. St. Paul is the home of the beautiful Como Park Zoo and Conservatory. Fascinating and inexpensive, it’s a don’t miss. Ask for directions.

And then there are the suburbs. Minnesota is full of cranky, independent people, and hundreds of them grabbed chunks of land around the cities and gave them names. Other than the first tier to the north, they are nice places, and very Republican. Just to the west of Minneapolis is a lake named Minnetonka. This lake is surrounded by high dollar settlements that are like a Mecca for those that worship money. When at the Xcel Center, the home of the convention, bow directly to the west. To the north of St. Paul is a community called North Oaks. This was a gated community before there were gated communities. You will never get away with going door-to-door for contributions here, though. Even Cheney would get hauled in.

There are too many suburbs here to cover in one lifetime. Bloomington has the Mall of America and the Airport. Shakopee has the Valley Fair amusement park. Apple Valley has the big Minnesota Zoo. Blaine has the huge International Sports Complex. Newport has the Waste to Energy Incinerator. It’s all here folks, and you are coming at a time the weather may be decent. Welcome to you all. Even W.