Yapping at the Moon

By Jonathan Bert
The Extreme Moderate

February 9, 2009

Moon, these are wonderful days for me. I am gonna yap at you like a wound up miniature dachshund!

After years of well deserved hacking at Republicans, it is time for change! Now that Republicans are almost as extinct as the other dinosaurs, we have a new group to bash, Democrats!
Reaching for that pie in the sky, the left wingers can’t concentrate on real world solutions. We need a job creation program, but those boneheads can’t let a good program come into being without cluttering it up with everybody’s pet projects. 0.8 means you are drunk, and having 0.8 trillion at their disposal makes these loonies stupid drunk! How is a program that prevents sexually transmitted diseases going to create jobs? If nobody catches the Clap, we won’t need nurses giving out Penicillin shots. Jobs lost. Thank the Republicans for gettin’ rid of this one.

I do believe in putting money into alternative energy. Remember last summer? We paid $4 for a gallon of gasoline, and now we have no money. Get the connection?

Donald Trump says we’re not using our brains in protecting our country. Duh! If Obama wants to change anything, change that. Find somebody that can figure out his or her taxes, for a start.

After two years of talking change, Obama is filling his Cabinet with privileged insiders. Sounds more like same old, same old. Where’s the change?

The right still believes in tax cuts. We’ve had tax cuts! They don’t work for shit! Their effect is immediate, but very weak. Very little bang for the buck. Republicans are slow learners, they can’t learn from history. We need history books with more pictures.

The new Chairman of the Republican Party says bipartisanship is over-rated. Did I mention that Republicans are slow learners?

A big deal is being made that the stimulus package received no Republican votes in the House. About 30 GOP House members considered voting for the plan, but were extorted to vote against it. Like the other dinosaurs, Republicans have brains the size of walnuts.

Republican leaders in the Senate claim that Obama’s stimulus plan will lead to disaster. Better listen, these guys are very skilled at engineering disasters.

It seems like every time they refer to recessions of the past, not to mention the Depression, Republicans were in power at the time. We have to find somebody that can draw pictures of economic disasters for a lesson book for the GOP.

Dick Cheney claims that reading people their rights is putting America in danger. America is all about rights! People’s rights are the foundation of our country! Forget about human rights and you forget about America! How many ways can this be said? Cheney, you Dick, just crawl into a hole and shut up. Despite the damage you’ve done, you still have the right to speak. Please don’t. I would leave Republicans alone if they would just sit in the corner and face reality! They lost any semblance of power in this country because they are massive screw-ups!

Anybody that wants to promote compromise should watch how their representatives in Congress act in the next two years, when the House members, and a third of Senators, come up for re-election. Unload John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi ASAP!

Pelosi is letting power get to her head. She should quit being so stupid or she might be selling pencils two years from now.

I drove over the 35W bridge in Minneapolis just days before it collapsed. Didn’t know I was cheating death. Bridges all across the country are going bad, and not enough of the billions are allotted to fix this; instead, this major league problem is getting a drop in the bucket. Bridge building creates a lot of quality jobs, and in hard hit sectors of the market. And insist on American steel. Not only is this good for the American economy, America knows how to make steel. Chinese and Japanese steel is crap. I’m a machinist, I know steel.

If you’re going to make tax cuts, don’t make them without direction. Give companies tax credits for hiring. Give consumers tax credits for buying cars, and houses (a good Republican idea. They do exist.)

The Democrats are funding the health program for children with a cigarette tax, but the “Stimulus” contains a smoking cessation program. They’re counting on one or the other to fail. What else in their plans is set up to fail?

The first bill Obama signed into law was to make women’s pay equal to men’s pay. As ideologically laudable the principle, is that what we need now? Making it more expensive to keep people employed? Pie-in-the-Sky. As noted by others, he didn’t allow five days for public comment, as promised.

Somebody should tell Rush Limbaugh every good American, Democrat, Republican, or whatever, wants Obama to succeed. Anyone that wants the country to go further down the tubes just to prove himself right might as well join Al-Qaeda.

Limbaugh has 20 million listeners; some of them actually take him seriously! Further evidence that the American educational system is failing. Brains the size of walnuts.

A Catholic bishop denies that 6 million Jews were gassed by Nazis during the 1930’s and 40’s. He has a point. 6 million Jews died, but a lot of them were shot, drowned, or failed to survive ghastly medical experiments. Most of those that expired during the construction of V-1 and V-2 missiles succumbed to fumes from welding galvanized metal; can that be considered gassed?

The Nazis also killed disabled people, including gays. Gypsy’s, blacks, etc., those guys just couldn’t run out of reasons to make people dead. Loads of evidence, bodies and bones included, support the existence of the Holocaust. Even Nazis proudly admitted it as the nooses tightened. This bishop wants you to accept Catholicism solely on faith, but he won’t accept the Holocaust in the face of tons (literally, tons) of evidence. I’d keep an eye on this guy when he’s around altar boys. There is a lot of evidence that buggering children is a bad thing.

The Catholic Church failed it’s Christian duty during the Nazi era. I guess it is hard to break tradition; it is still failing it’s Christian duty.

The Governor of Illinois got the boot. He proclaims his innocence in the face of overwhelming evidence against him. He has the full support of Catholic bishops.

Some people are making a stink because Jessica Simpson put on a couple of pounds. With eating disorders among young women nearly a pandemic, this behavior is incomprehensible. Jessica still looks hot. Besides, she’s a singer, not a supermodel. And she doesn’t wear silly hats.

After Michael Phelps won 8 medals in Beijing, he went for some Acapulco gold.

PETA is using scantily clad young women to make broccoli look sexy. Or are they using broccoli to make scantily clad young women look inedible?

These same characters are trying to make us feel all warm and fuzzy about fish by calling them “Sea Kittens.” Put one of these folks in the water with a 15-foot great white sea kitten and see who’s who on the food chain. Actually, sharks usually take a taste of a human and spit it out, kind of like broccoli.

An Airbus made an emergency landing in New York’s Hudson River due to engine failure. Bird remains have been found in both of the plane’s engines. Of course they are no longer birds, they’re now known as “Air Puppies.”

Now we have to watch out for infected peanut butter, from Georgia. What did Jimmy Carter have to do with this?

One lady had survived two forms of Cancer, and was ready to come home from the hospital, but she was finished off by bad peanut butter. I’m going to stick with sea kittens.

People in the disaster areas of Kentucky and Missouri, etc., are advised not to eat the peanut butter in their emergency rations. Nice choices, starve to death or die gagging.

The government says it is going to take steps to prevent bad food from entering our country’s markets. I thought they were always doing that, but it turns out that the FDA was protecting food producers from dying consumers. It makes sense. This is the same outfit that protects the producers of anti-depressants from the families of users that commit suicide.

China is suffering it’s worst drought in half a century. America grows a lot of food. This is a tremendous opportunity to relieve some of our trade deficit. But our food supply must be trustworthy. We have a better chance of making broccoli look sexy.

A 93-year-old World War II vet froze to death in his Michigan home after the local electric company limited his power. Don’t you just love deregulation?

Unregulated free markets don’t work, Socialism doesn’t work, the only thing that will work is a free market with strong government oversight. Then we need a government with strong voter oversight. Then we need voters educated by someone more rational than Rush Limbaugh. We have a better chance of making scantily clad young women look inedible.

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t know, they’re still using whale oil lamps.

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? Ain’t gonna happen. They talk change, but they seem happy with the old, burnt out bulb.

Sorry, Moon. Unlike a miniature dachshund, I can’t yap forever. Good night, try to get some sleep now.